Run, Katie, Run!

It seems like even when fate is working in my favor I can still manage to screw everything up. If destiny is the force that brings me towards what I want, than what is the force that keeps stalling? Is it my own screwiness? If that is so, than I am worried, for if a force assmall as I can change the course of even one destiny, than destiny is hardly something even to put hope in. But maybe all that is frustrating me is just a small part of a larger destiny, more flexible yet immovable: one that not even my screwiness will be able to screw up. I'll just have to trust that somehow, someday, all of these horrible frustrations will resolve themselves into something beautiful. Am I a hopeless romantic for thinking so? Unfortunately, that "beautiful" thing is probably not the thing that I am hoping for presently. I could sit here pouting about that fact, or I could accept that the stuff I deal with now is just temporary, but anything good that comes out of this mess, that beautiful thing I am waiting for, will last at least a bit longer. Maybe even forever.

I believe that the force behind all this "destiny", which is hocus-pocus talk, is God. He is orchestrating my life so that I'm always learning and always having opportunities to become a better person. I pray for what I want, but even than I know that it's silly. I, comparatively, have no idea what I want. God knows what I want today, wanted yesturday, and will want tomorrow. He knows what's best for me. The best prayers that I can pray ar that I would be willing to accept whatever he deems fit, and that my screwiness wouldn't ge in his way.

That's what I really want.