Run, Katie, Run!

I've been working a lot on my jury piece.

And I've been crying out to God. On the ipod that I stole from Patrick, I found an old Jars of Clay song about all of humanity crying out for God. It was a really neat find, especially since this week I've been feeling things go pretty far south pretty quickly.

I've been thinking about my weaknesses, and about how vulnerable I am. You've all read The Screwtape Letter, right? (Recently I discovered that I have obtained the faithful readership of Pat and Christine. Assuming that these are my main readers, I will venture to say that yes. They've all read that book). I liked the book because it shows how demons (Satan) can find all of our tiny little innocuous shortcomings and use them to drive us completely away from God. My frustration is that my weaknesses are so obvious, and so easy to pick at. I get so distracted so easily, and I'm driven so far away.

Even when I'm here, surrounded by Christian brothers and sisters that I can pray with, study with, worship with, goof off with, and totally lean on, I feel like I'm merely posing as a Christian.

Because when I'm all alone, trying to get to sleep at night, I listen to Jars of Clay over and over and over again, knowing that we're all weak, that we've all fallen, that all I need to do is cry out and claim my greatest defense--the greatest power in Christ...but I can't. I think about God. I listen for God. I watch for God. But I cannot pray to God. Not on my own.

It must be shame.

So, here I was. At this dark place. Wondering how I could reconcile who I am and who I should be. And that's when my catholic friends told me about RECONCILIATION NIGHT at St. Stephen's (catholic church on campus).

Basically, it was the coolest thing ever. We sang a hymn and read some scripture (Matthew 15:29-37) and talked about how Jesus can take us when we are most broken, heal us, and satisfy us. Then we prayed as a group and broke off into time for personal prayer and reflection, and one-on-one confession with a priest. Since I'm not catholic, the priest wasn't able to give me the sacrament of absolution (I think that's what it's called??), but he talked to me and prayed with me.

It was so cool. It didn't feel like I was having a conversation with another person about my problems. I really believe that God was talking straight to me through the priest. I spoke very briefly about what I was struggling with, and then he just nodded and started telling me Bible stories. And each time he put me into the story. He prayed with me, and then I went back to the pew to pray by myself for awhile. That was such a cool way to experience God's presence.

It's kind of hard to describe how it feels when God intersects with you in a completely unexpected way right when you most need him.