Ramblings. It's because I like to write.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Crazy Weak

Some days I cannot forgive and these days mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be maybe I could get some sleep


It has been a crazy week. It's amazing that I've only been back at UNI since Sunday night. The whole experience of going home and coming back seems so surreal. So much more happens when I'm here; It feels like each day stretches into years. In a good way.


While I lay I dream we're better
Scales are gone and faces brighter
When we wake we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other


I've been working a lot on my jury piece.


And I've been crying out to God. On the ipod that I stole from Patrick, I found an old Jars of Clay song about all of humanity crying out for God. It was a really neat find, especially since this week I've been feeling things go pretty far south pretty quickly.


Sometimes I can close my eyes
and all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing
What makes me so badly bent?


I've been thinking about my weaknesses, and about how vulnerable I am. You've all read The Screwtape Letter, right? (Recently I discovered that I have obtained the faithful readership of Pat and Christine. Assuming that these are my main readers, I will venture to say that yes. They've all read that book). I liked the book because it shows how demons (Satan) can find all of our tiny little innocuous shortcomings and use them to drive us completely away from God. My frustration is that my weaknesses are so obvious, and so easy to pick at. I get so distracted so easily, and I'm driven so far away.


We all have a chance to murder. We all feel the need for wonder
We still have to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder.

Even when I'm here, surrounded by Christian brothers and sisters that I can pray with, study with, worship with, goof off with, and totally lean on, I feel like I'm merely posing as a Christian.
Because when I'm all alone, trying to get to sleep at night, I listen to Jars of Clay over and over and over again, knowing that we're all weak, that we've all fallen, that all I need to do is cry out and claim my greatest defense--the greatest power in Christ...but I can't. I think about God. I listen for God. I watch for God. But I cannot pray to God. Not on my own.


Sometimes when I lose my grip I wonder what to make of heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give up.


It must be shame.


So, here I was. At this dark place. Wondering how I could reconcile who I am and who I should be. And that's when my catholic friends told me about RECONCILIATION NIGHT at St. Stephen's (catholic church on campus).


Basically, it was the coolest thing ever. We sang a hymn and read some scripture (Matthew 15:29-37) and talked about how Jesus can take us when we are most broken, heal us, and satisfy us. Then we prayed as a group and broke off into time for personal prayer and reflection, and one-on-one confession with a priest. Since I'm not catholic, the priest wasn't able to give me the sacrament of absolution (I think that's what it's called??), but he talked to me and prayed with me.


Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat 'em
All the wounds that money causes
All the comforts of Cathedrals


It was so cool. It didn't feel like I was having a conversation with another person about my problems. I really believe that God was talking straight to me through the priest. I spoke very briefly about what I was struggling with, and then he just nodded and started telling me Bible stories. And each time he put me into the story. He prayed with me, and then I went back to the pew to pray by myself for awhile. That was such a cool way to experience God's presence.


All the cries of Thirsty Children
This is our inheritance
All the rage of Watching Mothers
This is our greatest defense


It's kind of hard to describe how it feels when God intersects with you in a completely unexpected way right when you most need him.



Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Saddest Girl To Ever Hold a Martini

This is me.


Kind of.


Minus the skanky dress.

And the martini glass.


And the whole homicidal craziness thing. For those of you who have seen vanilla sky. Great movie.


But that facial expression. That's it exactly. Maybe it's because I'm tired. Maybe it's because I'm bored. Maybe it's because I'm trying to find ways to procrastinate studying and practicing. But this thanksgiving break has been uber weird.
I'm back in Des Moines, sleeping in my old bedroom, chillin with my parents, spending time with the people I went to high school with. I drive around the streets I'm so familiar with, and I have this > facial expression on my face. It's like the world is moving on. It's like the world doesn't care. It's like the world is just here to use me, and to make me feel lonely.


But this post is starting to sound super emo. I really didn't mean for it to be like that. I just really like the picture, and I was gonna run with that for awhile. Seriously. Vanilla Sky is a crazy bizarre movie. I had to watch it for psychology and it took me about five hours because I had to pause every twenty minutes to stop and say "WHAHT?"...or to run around the hallways in Hagemann. Or to go outside and check out the gorgeous Cedar Falls starry night sky. Or to drink Naked Juice. Green Machine. It's got broccoli in it. I couldn't focus on Vanilla Sky because I was busy drinking broccoli.


Needless to say, a week off from school is very welcome. I spent all of Saturday pretty much dead in my bed (sleeping). And then I've been lazing around, and then running around trying to catch up with people. On Tuesday I visited my highschool (it's hell) and got to talk to my old band director, who is such a cool teacher. I feel like there is so much yet that I can learn from him. And I stole a suit coat from his office. I didn't really steal it...It didn't belong to anyone.


Um.


So now it's midnight and I'm rambling.
The point of this blog is that it's really weird to come home to visit, because my true home right now is in Cedar Falls. And I can't wait to get back there. But in the meantime, it's fun to reflect on how much everything and everyone has changed and how much I, myself, am changing. It's good to spend time with the friends who have known me all throughout highschool and somehow love me anyway.


In the words of Cpt Hammer: Home is where the heart is, so your real home's in your chest.


Well spoken (sung).


Looking forward to a huge Thanksgiving tomorrow. Gonna get to see my grandparents, my brother, and my brand new sister-in-law. Hooray!!!


heheh. This thing has been with me all through high school as well. Good to know my readership is consistent, if nothing else. Peace out, home-blog!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Well, Here's What's Going On

Various People have been encouraging me to update my blog. Mainly my family members who would like to know what I'm up to. Also Noah Alvarado. But I can't tell if he was joking. Anyway. The point is that I'm updating my blog. But am I doing it for any of those people? No. I'm doing it for me. Because suddenly I got the sudden urge all of a sudden to let the whole world know that

I ALMOST CUT OFF THE CIRCULATION IN MY FRICKEN FINGER.

Don't worry, guys. I fixed the problem. It's going to be alright now. But what happened is that I got a minor cut on my finger while taking out garbage at work. I decided not to tell anybody because you're not supposed to get hurt at work I think. It generally makes things complicated. Anyway, my shift was almost over, so I just wrapped it up, put on some huge gloves and went on with my business. Then I went home and put on a band aid. I'm so glad that I have band aids in my room. I was so enthusiastic about the band aid. Here was my thought: "I'm going to wrap this on my finger SO TIGHT! It'll be AWESOME!!". So that's what happened. Five minutes later I experienced a burning sensation and looked down to realize that my finger had turned dark purple. I'm kind of proud. Dude, that band aid was SO TIGHT.

Anyway. College is fun. I have good friends. I love my room mate. I go to recitals and concerts all the time. I'm in marching band, symphonic band, and jazz 3. I like jazz band a lot, but it's really frustrating cuz I'm so not good.

I'm getting better under the tutelage of Dr. G.

That's all I have time for. I'm gonna go eat.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Being in a New Place

The second week is always the hardest.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Final Hurrah. Summer 2010

So. I had quite a few things to say last night, but now I finally have about five seconds to myself, so I'm gonna try to just type for awhile. You know what? Don't even expect it to make sense. Your low standards will help my story shine.

Well. There are less than two weeks until I move to Cedar Falls to start band camp up at UNI. That's pretty exciting. Yeah. That's right. I'm excited. I can't believe how many opportunities await me in the next couple of years. I'M GOING TO COLLEGE. I'M GOING TO COLLEGE! I'M GOING TO COLLEGE!!!!

Voice from outside: "Your Mom goes to College."

Shut up.

The point is that I'm happy. We met a family from Iowa here and we got to talking. Justin is a saxophone performance major at the University of Iowa, and we were geekin out together, gushing about our professors and our favorite pieces; complaining about the necessary practice time, and the inevitable lack of practice over the summer. So now I'm SUPER PUMPED to be a music major. It's just kind of my thing. I can't wait to go someplace where I fit in. Not to mention that I have a lovely wife/room-mate waiting for me when I get there.

Anyway. Justin and his girlfriend, Oakley, are really fun. We bonded over apples to apples and monopoly. They kind of have the same creepy sense of humor that we do. Go Iowans. Meeting people that we get along with definitely makes spending a week in Branson, Missouri more enjoyable. Not that it lacked excitement before. I'm here with a group of close friends. It's me, Brenna, Krista, and Kassie. Unfortunately, we had to leave Alyssa behind on this one. She's getting her wisdom teeth out. Anyway. We've been friends since middle school, and this is our last hurrah before we all head off to wherever. Also, I think it's the first time I've ever spent this much time with this particular group of people. I mean, we always hang out, but here we're cooped up in a little cottage together where we hang out 24/7. With this much estrogen, we could be going crazy, but we're all loving it. I'm so lucky to have such great friends. I'll miss them so much. Last night we watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. What a great movie, eh? And every time we get in the car we put in the Jersey Boys soundtrack. So now we always have the Four Seasons in our heads. That gets...loud. Achlja;dhf;oas. I love my friends.

What was I going to say? The shows we've seen so far: The Hughes Brothers (a musical family of four brothers and four hundred children. They're from Utah. I think that explains it.), Kirby Something (The prince of magic. He won a Merlin Award for making a Helicopter appear out of thin air. He won my heart with his smile and his sarcasm), Shoji Tabuchi (a fiddle player. With a chorus of singers and dancers. Um. They did glee covers. And there was this one guy with curly brown hair who danced with so much energy, thusly stealing the show), and then today we saw Six, an a group of six brothers who perform all styles of music using nothing but their voices. They were so talented. My own voice is raw from screaming so much at their show. Honestly. I almost crapped my pants about twelve times. Especially when they did their homage to the four seasons. And.....I don't know. Not even words. No words. Just trust me. They were awesome.

Branson is weird. Everyone is either a senior citizen, or a small grandchild. You drive down the street and when you look from side to side you see nothing but theatre after theatre after theatre, most of them filled with musical families covering country hits. What? And you go to a show at 2:00 in the afternoon. The theatre is half filled with old people. And the performers come out, doing the same thing that they've done for the past twenty-six years. Branson, Missouri. How does one end up performing in Branson, Missouri? I always thought of it as a stepping stone in the showbiz hierarchy. But I don't know. A Branson show is kind of a genre of it's own. How would I feel if my only audience was a half-filled theatre of old people in Branson, Missouri?

I would feel fabulous.

You know why? Because performing is the greatest feeling in the whole wide world. If anyone is lucky enough to do that and get paid for it, then it doesn't matter where they live, and who their audience is, as long as the music makes people happy. The old people sure are happy. They've had long lives filled with God knows what, and now they're enjoying a happy retirement by watching a japanese fiddle player who can make them feel like a child again. Branson is about never growing up. The performers get to goof off onstage wearing sparkly jackets with their siblings. When balloons fall from the ceiling of the theatre, senior citizens bat them around the way I used to at my birthday parties. Um. Maybe I still do.

I think that's what life is about. Finding that place where you never have to grow up. Wherever you are, whatever you end up doing as a career...if you never grow up. You win.

I'm gonna get off the computer now.