Run, Katie, Run!

So, I've been living life, right? And when you do that, things DO get confusing. And when things get confusing, I tend to get confused. And when I get confused, I get angry. And when I get angry, I listen to Linkin Park.

It has been a crazy week. It's amazing that I've only been back at UNI since Sunday night. The whole experience of going home and coming back seems so surreal. So much more happens when I'm here; It feels like each day stretches into years. In a good way.

This week was a crazy psycological rollercoaster of a spiritual journey.

It started out with desperate disillusionment. This happens occasionally when my pictures of the world are turned inside out by new information or insight. I won't share with you what started it, because none of you would understand. *curls up in her little emo corner*

In this vulnerable state I began to question my friendships. Who are those that I am really closest to? Am I making those relationships a priority? I've always believed that relationships are the most important building blocks of our lives. If those aren't worth anything, then what am I living for?

Then I began to ponder whether the things we leave behind are more important then the people we connect with. If it is indeed possible to really "connect" with anyone. *retreats again into the emo corner*

So I started analyzing the people around me. I didn't like what I saw. Nobody in this whole goshforsaken world seems to care about anyone but himself. All around me were lazy people, impatient people, stupid people, boring people, people who are too tall or too ugly or just generally hopeless.
This differs dramatically from my previous opinion that all people are good and have pure qualities that are revealed when one pays close and special attention. I also used to believe that everyone is equally physically beautiful. This week my mind was opened to the possibility that there are ugly, really ugly people out there.

So here are all these people with evil qualities and horrifying personality traits. Maybe they're not even trying! Does this make them...bad? Are there bad people in the world? What is a bad person, and how do they get to be that way? Were they just unfortunate in their childhood experiences? Or were they born that way? Is it a choice?

At least I'm not like that.

....am I?

.................what if I am?......

I need to fix it.

But the more I focused on trying to be a good person, the more frustrated I became.
And what about my "friends"? Are they good people? Are they hurting my goodness? Do they think I'm a good person? Do they love me? Who loves me??

It was as I lay trying to fall asleep after a long day of rehearsing at all-state music festival, in a hotel room with my very best friend on this earth that I remembered something that I learned a long time ago.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus"
-Romans 3:23-24

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord"
-Romans 6:23

Wow. Why was I so worried by the thought that there might be bad people in this world? Open your eyes, Katie, We're ALL bad people. We screw up and we make stnanks and we're lazy and selfish and we can't save ourselves, because no matter how witty you are, there is nothing charming enough to make your life less pathetic.
Lucky that there IS someone that loves you, that cares about you enough to pay a ginormous price to make up for your stnanks, for your human sickness and wrongness, to give you hope so that your life doesn't have to be grounded in this fault of humanity.

"Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus."
-Romans 6:8-12

What am I living for?

By the way:
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful"
-Psalm 139:14

We really are beautiful, because He made us.

And that's how I thought about a lot of things this week and ended up coming back to the most simple beliefs of the religion I was born into. Funny how that works.

*peace*

Last night I was awake past midnight. At around one o'clock I remembered that somebody told me once that if you stayed awake until 1:11, you could make a wish. I decided that that's exactly what I would do.
At 1:10, I began to panic. If you're going to make a wish, you have to have a wish in mind. But I was drawing a blank. I was almost there, but then the clock turned, and it was 1:11.
A million things went through my mind. I made wishes for myself. I made wishes for my friends. I made wishes for material things. I made wishes for abstract things. I wished to fix the world, for the world not to be broken anymore.

The very last thing that went through my mind before the clock turned to 1:12 was, "I wish for God to be on my side."

What does that even mean?

God doesn't move. He won't move. He's everywhere all the time, he's unchanging, unchangable...and he's got his plan.
If anything, I should be wishing to for myself to be on God's side.
What does that take?
Is it something that you need to wish for?

And why am I so reluctant?

So we're Christians, right? We believe in Christ, and now we know our next job: to spread the word. Spread the word of Christ to all the nonbelievers.
And that's hard.
But it also doesn't work.

I only say this because it is the title of my blog entry. But let me explain how I came to this opinion.

Today after school I was talking to a very good friend of mine who happened to be carrying around a book about Wicca. A christian guy at my school that I know asked her if she was Wiccan. She said no. He asked her if she believed in Heaven and Hell. She said that she believed in Heaven, not so much Hell. He asked her that if she died tomorrow, where would she go, heaven or hell. She said she didn't know.

And here's the thing. She was appalled by his behaviour! I think she saw it as a personal attack on her. I have another good friend that was trying to tell her that she had to pray a special prayer to get into heaven. I think she misunderstood this as well. She thought that we were trying to force weird beliefs on her.

I didn't know what to say. I could've used this as an opportunity to try to witness to her, or see where she stands with the whole religion thing, but after hearing her tell about those two experiences with christians that I know, I had no idea how to approach it.

Now I have questions for you, reader. And by that I mean Patrick. I'm not trying to make a point or looking for a specific answer. I just don't know.

-What's more important about witnessing: that you are preaching the word of God to them whether they accept it or not, or that you are listening to them and trying to make sense out of their beliefs, even if it means not saying everything that you want to drive your own point home?

-Did you think that that was a really long confusing question?

-How would you, readers, talk to my friend in this situation (assuming that all my readers are chistian)?

-Is there a point when you decide to stop driving your point and just decide to let it go?


In my opinion, witnessing is the hardest part of Christianity. The hardest part is when you're so emotionally attached to one of you're friends and they can't understand the very most important part of your life.

It seems like even when fate is working in my favor I can still manage to screw everything up. If destiny is the force that brings me towards what I want, than what is the force that keeps stalling? Is it my own screwiness? If that is so, than I am worried, for if a force assmall as I can change the course of even one destiny, than destiny is hardly something even to put hope in. But maybe all that is frustrating me is just a small part of a larger destiny, more flexible yet immovable: one that not even my screwiness will be able to screw up. I'll just have to trust that somehow, someday, all of these horrible frustrations will resolve themselves into something beautiful. Am I a hopeless romantic for thinking so? Unfortunately, that "beautiful" thing is probably not the thing that I am hoping for presently. I could sit here pouting about that fact, or I could accept that the stuff I deal with now is just temporary, but anything good that comes out of this mess, that beautiful thing I am waiting for, will last at least a bit longer. Maybe even forever.

I believe that the force behind all this "destiny", which is hocus-pocus talk, is God. He is orchestrating my life so that I'm always learning and always having opportunities to become a better person. I pray for what I want, but even than I know that it's silly. I, comparatively, have no idea what I want. God knows what I want today, wanted yesturday, and will want tomorrow. He knows what's best for me. The best prayers that I can pray ar that I would be willing to accept whatever he deems fit, and that my screwiness wouldn't ge in his way.

That's what I really want.

1 Corinthians 13

I must be patient and kind. I must not envy, I must not boast. I must not be proud. I am not rude, I am not self-seeking, I am not easily angered. I will keep no record of wrongs. I do not delight in evil, but I rejoice with the truth. I must always protect, always trust, and always hope. God will help me to ALWAYS persevere. I must do all these things because I am a servant, a follower, a child, a friend of God, and God is Love. Even if I become the ultimate super-Christian, but have not Love, than I become nothing. If I desire God and let him teach me to love, than I can become the woman that god made me to be.

All my relationships should spur me on towards God. They must bring out the Love in me that is patient and kind. My relationships should not cause me to envy or boast. They will steer me away from pride and from selfish thoughts. My relationships will not be about me. They will help me to be a classy young lady. In my relationships, I will keep no record of wrongs. I won’t delight in evil, and no one will cause me to delight in evil. I will NOT let my friends make evil seem attractive to me. When I am with my friends, we will rejoice in the Truth. We will protect each other, we will trust each other, and never be cynical with each other. We will spur each other towards God and help each other in our faith walks. I will never leave a friend out of hatred. All my relationships must be full of Grace and full of Love, or else they will get me nowhere. I must do all I can to demonstrate love to everyone I meet, or else why meet them? A relationship that brings out the bad qualities in me is not worth my time. I want to become the woman that God created me to be.

I love God because God is patient, God is kind. God does not envy, he does not boast, he is not proud. God is not rude, he is not self-seeking, he is not easily angered. He keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the Truth! God IS protection. God always protects, and he WILL protect. He is a trusting God, and he will help me learn to trust him, because there has never been anyone in the world who is more deserving of my trust. God is my only hope, and without him I have nothing. God was in the beginning. And God is in the end. God goes past the beginning and the end, and he never changes (James 1:17). I can try to do everything a Christian does, I can do a million good deeds, I could hug a puppy, I could try to be the ultimate good person, but without God I will fail, and none of it would be right. God is Love.

I need Love. I need God.

I love him, but he loved me first. I love him because he loved me first. I love him for who he is, and I love him for what he’s done for me. I love him because he is there for me to love. I love him because he is the only one who can help me become the woman I was created to be.

That is what I want. I want God.

Um Ya Ya is the title of the Saint Olaf fight song. I've always wanted to hear my oldest brother sing this.
I went on a wacky confirmation trip with my church one time to Saint Olaf. This inevitably led to my brother singing the Um Ya Ya song. Unfortunately i wasn't paying attention at the time. Later i wanted him to sing it again, but he wouldn't.
Here's the point: I lot of times in life we're looking for something, something specific. That something specific is often times God. That thing is around us constantly, and even reaching out to us...but we're just not paying attention.
And then we ask the age-old question: "Where were you when i needed you? Where ARE you, God?"
Fortunately, God is much more patient than my brother. He will always sing the Um Ya Ya song. Just make sure that this time, you pay attention.

So I've been making a lot of paper cranes lately (I've got to reach one thousand somehow), and as i sat on my crane-littered floor Saturday, making them time after time again, i realized that there were so many paper cranes, all of them were different, and not one of them was perfect. I thought it was a metaphor for life.
My thoughts: "Maybe this is how God feels."
But then, while contemplating whether or not that last statement was blasphemy, I realized that People are not like paper cranes.
The beauty of a crane comes from the details and the crazy perfect perfection of it.
In people, it's the crazy little quirks that make us awesome. Every buddy is different! Every buddy is perfect (not taking into account the whole thing with human imperfection. ugh...that's a whole other story. and with this little bit in parentheses i have contradicted my whole blog and only succeeded in confusing you).
Learn from this.